Dungeon Master – Tales from a Dungeon Master Hack

Retro Resolution Guest Essay

Guest Insanity courtesy of SweetMrGibs

Dungeon Master - Atari ST - Title
Dungeon Master - Atari ST - Dragon

Right, here we go, I’m in the dungeon. OK first step – how do I move? Ah, ok, click on the arrows. Bit annoying- should be able to use the cursor keys. Doesn’t seem to be anything aroun. . . oh, wait. . . is that a picture on the wall over there? Yes, yes it is. . . oh, and another. Am I in a medieval version of the Tate Gallery? I wonder what happens if I click on this girl’s pictu. . . ‘Resurrect’ or ‘Reincarnate’? Huh, com esta? What’s the difference? Sod it, resurrect. Ooo, she’s in my party. No wait. . . it’s a ‘he’ apparently. “Boris. . . Wizard of Baldor”. Hmmm. . . Wish I’d chosen someone who looked more like a proper wizard. He looks more like Justin Bieber. Right, must be more careful with my next choice. “Daroou”. Not sure. . . he looks like a gormless Chewbacca. Next. “Halk The Barbarian”. Yep, he’ll do. Always need a bit of brawn in these games.

Ok, so that’s a wizard and a warrior. . . what next? “Syra Child of Nature”? What’s she? A healer. Yep, probably need one of those at some point. Right. . . last one. . . let’s go a little left-field here. . . “Elija Lion Of Yaitopya”?. . . nah, he looks like a tramp version of Morgan Freeman. “Wuuf the Bika”? Yeah, ok, he’ll do. Resurrect. Crap, should have checked his class. . . Ninja? But he’s a man-dog. Since when did Ninja man-dogs ever exist? Bloody weird. Ah well, never mind, party’s full. . . let’s get to it boppers!


Dungeon Master - Atari ST - Entrance
Dungeon Master – Atari ST – Entrance

Syra: “Hi all.”
Halk: “Hi.”
Boris: “Hi.”
Wuuf: “Woof.”
Syra: “Oh, hey Wuuf. How ya doing mate?”
Wuuf: “Oh, Hi Syra. Yeah, I’m not too bad thanks, just been ‘hanging around’ if you know what I mean”.


Syra: “How’s your cousin?”
Wuuf: “Trevor or Steve?”
Syra: “Trevor.”
Wuuf: “He’s not too good actually. He was in a dungeon with Blue Elf last night and shot the food again.”
Syra: “What. A. Plum. How many times has be done that? I take it things didn’t end well?”
Wuuf: “No, they got swamped by ghosts. He’ll never learn. Anyway, who else do we have here?”

Gauntlet – Ghost Swarm – Image: pressx2attack.com

Wuff: “Halk, you don’t need to talk like that. We all know each other, remember?”
Halk [sarcastically]: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry if I want to ‘get into my role’. I apologise for any offense I may have caused.”
Syra: “Here we go. . .”
Boris: *cough*
Wuff: “Guys, let’s not argue. We have a new member with us. [Gestures towards Boris] “Would you like to introduce yourself wee lassie?”
Boris: “Hi, my name is Boris. I’m a wizard of Baldor.”
Halk: “Baldor? Never heard of it. Is it a near Krondor? I bet it’s a craphole. It’s a craphole, right?”
Syra: “Halk, be nice. Boris, how many times have you been in this dungeon?”
Boris: “23 times. Simulated.”
Syra: “How many actual crawls?”
Boris: “Two. Including this one.”
Halk: “Oh man, that’s just great. We’ve got a noob wizard. . .”
Boris: “I’m not from Noob, I’m from Baldor.”
Halk: “. . .”

A short time later

Wuff: “Guys. I’ve just looked at our stats and realised something.”
Halk: “What?”
Wuff: “The Great One. . . he didn’t reincarnate us. He resurrected us.”
Halk: “Why would he do that? He must know it means we start out weaker.”
Syra: “Perhaps the Great One is testing us? It doesn’t matter. Let’s sort out our positioning. Halk, you’re at the front with Wuuf.”
Halk: “Well, duh. I am the muscle sweetheart” [Winks]
Syra: “Wuuf, I’ll stand behind you. Boris, you’ll go behind Halk. Everyone happy?”

[Everyone nods]

Syra: “Right, gladiators. . . ‘Let’s crawl!’”

A short time later

Wuff: “Ok gents. John will be coming up in a second. We all ready?”
Boris: “Who’s John?”
Wuff: “John is the skeleton we’ll be killing in a minute.”
Boris: “Skelington?”
Wuff: “Skel-e-ton”
Boris: “Is he dangerous?”
Halk: “Not unless he’s got a raging boner!”


Dungeon Master - Atari ST - Skeletons
Dungeon Master – Atari ST – Skel-e-ton

Syra: “Can we focus please, he’s here.”
John: “Oh, hi everyone.”
Wuff: “Hi John”
Syra: “Hi John”
Halk: “Jonno.”
John: “Please don’t call me that. You know I don’t like it.”
Halk: “Sorry mate, just ‘ribbing’ you.”
John: “Right, can we do this please? I’m meeting Zothen at the Bloodwych Arms at eight.”
Syra: “Ok John. How do you want it?”
John “Ummm. . .. I’ll go with ‘Death by Fireball’ tonight please.”
Syra “No probs. Boris, go ahead and cast a Fireball.”
Boris “errr. . .. Yep. Ok.”

[Awkward silence]

Syra “Boris?”
Boris “Yes?”
Syra “Cast a fireball? John needs to get going.”
Boris “How do I do that again?”
Syra “Click your runes”
Boris “Gotcha.”

[Casts Fireball]

John, dramatically “ahhh. . . you. . . you got me. . . thank you for freeing me from this dreadful curse. . .etc, etc. . .”
Halk [bending down to whisper into John’s ear] “Tell Zothen I haven’t forgotten that ten gold coins he owes me. I want them back.”

[To everyone] “Right everyone, shall we go?”

hmmm – wrong Atari system (8-bit Dungeon Master clone – Image: Ataritecha)

A short time later

Syra “Right, it’s time for the Vexirks. Remember, they’re mean little blighters, so be ready.”

[The Vexirks appear]

Boris “Jawas!”
Syra “No, they’re Vexirks.”
Boris “But they look exactly like Jawas.”
Syra “Shh. . . don’t worry about it. Let’s just ki. . . What the hell?”

[Syra sniffs the air, a look of disgust on her face]

Syra “Bloody hell Halk, was that you?”
Halk [Smiling] “HALK SMASH”
Syra “That’s disgusting. What did you eat?”
Halk “That piece of cheese we found near the entrance to level 3.”
Syra “But you had a full health bar.”
Halk “And an empty stomach.”
Syra “You need to see a druid about that. It smells like dog sick.”
Wuff “I take offence at that. Anyway, can we discuss this later? The Vexirks are preparing to attack.”
Syra “Boris, cast a fireball. Let’s show them we mean business.”
Wuff “You’re kidding, right?”
Syra “No. . . why?”
Wuff “You want the noob wizard to cast a fireball when we’re surrounded by a cloud of noxious warrior guff?”
Syra “It’ll be. . .

Dungeon Master - Atari ST - Shrooms
Dungeon Master – Atari ST – perhaps they are magic mushrooms?


Halk “The Great One! He speaks!”
Everyone “All hail the Great One!”


Halk “The Great One sounds angered!”
Syra “Aye. We must be cautious.”


Wuff “What is this ‘microwave’ the Great One speaks of?”
Halk “I don’t know. A water-based spell perhaps?”
Boris “I’ll consult my tomes.”


Five minutes later

Halk “Has the Great One deserted us?”
Syra “I. . . I think he has.”
Wuff “Great. These Vexirks have whittled my health bar to almost zero. I wish they’d sod off.”
Vexirks “OOTEENIE!”
Syra “Sorry Wuuf, I’d heal you if I could. But without the Great One I have no control over my power.”
Wuff “It’s okay, I’ll see you all next ti. . ..”
Halk “Well, that’s one down, three t. . ..”
Syra “Great controller, why have you desert. . .”
Boris “Guys, there’s no mention of microwaves in my tom. . ..”

A short time later


A short time later


Syra “Hi all.”
Halk “Hi.”
Boris “Hi.”
Wuuf “Meow.”

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