Retro Resolution Guest Essay

Guest Insanity courtesy of SweetMrGibs

Right, here we go, I’m in the dungeon. OK first step – how do I move? Ah, ok, click on the arrows. Bit annoying- should be able to use the cursor keys. Doesn’t seem to be anything aroun. . . oh, wait. . . is that a picture on the wall over there? Yes, yes it is. . . oh, and another. Am I in a medieval version of the Tate Gallery? I wonder what happens if I click on this girl’s pictu. . . ‘Resurrect’ or ‘Reincarnate’? Huh, com esta? What’s the difference? Sod it, resurrect. Ooo, she’s in my party. No wait. . . it’s a ‘he’ apparently. “Boris. . . Wizard of Baldor”. Hmmm. . . Wish I’d chosen someone who looked more like a proper wizard. He looks more like Justin Bieber. Right, must be more careful with my next choice. “Daroou”. Not sure. . . he looks like a gormless Chewbacca. Next. “Halk The Barbarian”. Yep, he’ll do. Always need a bit of brawn in these games.

Ok, so that’s a wizard and a warrior. . . what next? “Syra Child of Nature”? What’s she? A healer. Yep, probably need one of those at some point. Right. . . last one. . . let’s go a little left-field here. . . “Elija Lion Of Yaitopya”?. . . nah, he looks like a tramp version of Morgan Freeman. “Wuuf the Bika”? Yeah, ok, he’ll do. Resurrect. Crap, should have checked his class. . . Ninja? But he’s a man-dog. Since when did Ninja man-dogs ever exist? Bloody weird. Ah well, never mind, party’s full. . . let’s get to it boppers!

*BAMPF*

Syra: “Hi all.”
Halk: “Hi.”
Boris: “Hi.”
Wuuf: “Woof.”
Syra: “Oh, hey Wuuf. How ya doing mate?”
Wuuf: “Oh, Hi Syra. Yeah, I’m not too bad thanks, just been ‘hanging around’ if you know what I mean”.

[Winks]

Syra: “How’s your cousin?”
Wuuf: “Trevor or Steve?”
Syra: “Trevor.”
Wuuf: “He’s not too good actually. He was in a dungeon with Blue Elf last night and shot the food again.”
Syra: “What. A. Plum. How many times has be done that? I take it things didn’t end well?”
Wuuf: “No, they got swamped by ghosts. He’ll never learn. Anyway, who else do we have here?”

Halk: “ME HALK. ME HAVE MIGHTY SWORD. WANT KILL.”
Wuff: “Halk, you don’t need to talk like that. We all know each other, remember?”
Halk [sarcastically]: “Oh, I’m terribly sorry if I want to ‘get into my role’. I apologise for any offense I may have caused.”
Syra: “Here we go. . .”
Boris: *cough*
Wuff: “Guys, let’s not argue. We have a new member with us. [Gestures towards Boris] “Would you like to introduce yourself wee lassie?”
Boris: “Hi, my name is Boris. I’m a wizard of Baldor.”
Halk: “Baldor? Never heard of it. Is it a near Krondor? I bet it’s a craphole. It’s a craphole, right?”
Syra: “Halk, be nice. Boris, how many times have you been in this dungeon?”
Boris: “23 times. Simulated.”
Syra: “How many actual crawls?”
Boris: “Two. Including this one.”
Halk: “Oh man, that’s just great. We’ve got a noob wizard. . .”
Boris: “I’m not from Noob, I’m from Baldor.”
Halk: “. . .”

A short time later

Wuff: “Guys. I’ve just looked at our stats and realised something.”
Halk: “What?”
Wuff: “The Great One. . . he didn’t reincarnate us. He resurrected us.”
Halk: “Why would he do that? He must know it means we start out weaker.”
Syra: “Perhaps the Great One is testing us? It doesn’t matter. Let’s sort out our positioning. Halk, you’re at the front with Wuuf.”
Halk: “Well, duh. I am the muscle sweetheart” [Winks]
Syra: “Wuuf, I’ll stand behind you. Boris, you’ll go behind Halk. Everyone happy?”

[Everyone nods]

Syra: “Right, gladiators. . . ‘Let’s crawl!’”

A short time later

Wuff: “Ok gents. John will be coming up in a second. We all ready?”
Boris: “Who’s John?”
Wuff: “John is the skeleton we’ll be killing in a minute.”
Boris: “Skelington?”
Wuff: “Skel-e-ton”
Boris: “Is he dangerous?”
Halk: “Not unless he’s got a raging boner!”

[Laughter]

Syra: “Can we focus please, he’s here.”
John: “Oh, hi everyone.”
Wuff: “Hi John”
Syra: “Hi John”
Halk: “Jonno.”
John: “Please don’t call me that. You know I don’t like it.”
Halk: “Sorry mate, just ‘ribbing’ you.”
John: “Right, can we do this please? I’m meeting Zothen at the Bloodwych Arms at eight.”
Syra: “Ok John. How do you want it?”
John “Ummm. . .. I’ll go with ‘Death by Fireball’ tonight please.”
Syra “No probs. Boris, go ahead and cast a Fireball.”
Boris “errr. . .. Yep. Ok.”

[Awkward silence]

Syra “Boris?”
Boris “Yes?”
Syra “Cast a fireball? John needs to get going.”
Boris “How do I do that again?”
Syra “Click your runes”
Boris “Gotcha.”

[Casts Fireball]

John, dramatically “ahhh. . . you. . . you got me. . . thank you for freeing me from this dreadful curse. . .etc, etc. . .”
Halk [bending down to whisper into John’s ear] “Tell Zothen I haven’t forgotten that ten gold coins he owes me. I want them back.”

[To everyone] “Right everyone, shall we go?”

A short time later

Syra “Right, it’s time for the Vexirks. Remember, they’re mean little blighters, so be ready.”

[The Vexirks appear]

Boris “Jawas!”
Syra “No, they’re Vexirks.”
Boris “But they look exactly like Jawas.”
Syra “Shh. . . don’t worry about it. Let’s just ki. . . What the hell?”

[Syra sniffs the air, a look of disgust on her face]

Syra “Bloody hell Halk, was that you?”
Halk [Smiling] “HALK SMASH”
Syra “That’s disgusting. What did you eat?”
Halk “That piece of cheese we found near the entrance to level 3.”
Syra “But you had a full health bar.”
Halk “And an empty stomach.”
Syra “You need to see a druid about that. It smells like dog sick.”
Wuff “I take offence at that. Anyway, can we discuss this later? The Vexirks are preparing to attack.”
Syra “Boris, cast a fireball. Let’s show them we mean business.”
Wuff “You’re kidding, right?”
Syra “No. . . why?”
Wuff “You want the noob wizard to cast a fireball when we’re surrounded by a cloud of noxious warrior guff?”
Syra “It’ll be. . .

COMING MUM!

Halk “The Great One! He speaks!”
Everyone “All hail the Great One!”

IN A SECOND! I JUST NEED TO KILL SOME JAWAS.

Halk “The Great One sounds angered!”
Syra “Aye. We must be cautious.”

I DON’T CARE IF IT GETS COLD. I’LL MICROWAVE IT!

Wuff “What is this ‘microwave’ the Great One speaks of?”
Halk “I don’t know. A water-based spell perhaps?”
Boris “I’ll consult my tomes.”

FINE. I’M COMING.

Five minutes later

Halk “Has the Great One deserted us?”
Syra “I. . . I think he has.”
Wuff “Great. These Vexirks have whittled my health bar to almost zero. I wish they’d sod off.”
Vexirks “OOTEENIE!”
Syra “Sorry Wuuf, I’d heal you if I could. But without the Great One I have no control over my power.”
Wuff “It’s okay, I’ll see you all next ti. . ..”
Halk “Well, that’s one down, three t. . ..”
Syra “Great controller, why have you desert. . .”
Boris “Guys, there’s no mention of microwaves in my tom. . ..”

A short time later

BLOODY HELL MUM! EVERYONE’S DEAD AND I DIDN’T SAVE MY GAME!

A short time later

*BAMPF*

Syra “Hi all.”
Halk “Hi.”
Boris “Hi.”
Wuuf “Meow.”

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